when my diet pills arrive, I am going to make sure I take them every day. I will eat as little as possible. I won’t eat out anymore, I’ll eat as healthily as I can.
i won’t eat, i won’t eat, i won’t eat.
whatever. anything. i don’t know.
all i know is that right now, thinking about my appearance makes me feel sick. i want to disappear.
YOU ARE FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT
that is literally all I can think
I barely leave my room anymore
the thought of leaving the house makes me feel awful
I don’t want anyone to see me
I’m a cow
I’m embarrassed
I truly loathe myself
I don’t want to eat or breathe or sleep or speak until I am thin and beautiful.
my anxiety is creeping back. i feel so sad, too. i seriously just feel like i’m never breathing enough. i don’t know. i’m just so sick of being sad!!! always, always. am i supposed to know why i’m living if it feels like such a chore? i have so much ambition, and goals, and hopes and dreams but i literally cannot stop hating myself for long enough to appreciate the fact that i have a strong drive to make everything i want happen. i just wish i could stop hating myself and my appearance, and personality and how i sound and what i say and how i act and what i do. gosh, it is so lame even thinking it, let alone writing it down in actual words, but i just wish i was pretty to look at. i wish i was thin, and beautiful, like the sort of attractive that people would appreciate or compliment on. and i wish i wasn’t so fucking short and it’s one of the things that annoys me the most and probably the only thing about myself i cannot change at all. i just feel stupid. this is all so dumb.
Despite feeling empty, and sad a lot of the time, I think this year was the best of my life so far. I’ve decided to list the things that made this year so brilliant, even though there is a lot I wish I had done, changed or had happened.
- I moved out of home
- I made new friends
- I met some people that really mean a lot to me now
- I figured out exactly what I want out of life
- I figured out exactly what I want to study, what I want to become
- I realised that I am a lot smarter than I used to give myself credit for
- I realised that it is important to depend on myself and I’ve been able to much more
- I had my first kiss
- and second
- and third
- and fourth
- and fifth
- …
- I saw Backstreet Boys in concert
- I went out a lot, had a lot of fun, had many different experiences
- I’ve come to realise exactly what is important to me in life and that …
- I should always put myself first
- I gained a new sense of self-belief in regards to my future. I feel like I can accomplish exactly what I want, and that I am capable of gaining a successful career and acquiring money
- I understand the opposite sex a little bit more
- I have felt pretty
- I have actually had attention from many boys
- I have felt wanted
- I maintained contact with my high school friends but…
- I do not let them step all over me, or make me feel shit, or like a joke, or like I am undeserving, or stupid or anything they used to
- I recognised my anxiety for what it is
- I have started to take myself a lot more seriously
I just hope next year will be 10x better, because as decent as this year was, I am nowhere near being happy.
